TXT: “I Love You”

Does your relationship look like this?

Photo by ejbSF

How many conversations do you have with your significant other through text messaging? Are you in a long distance relationship where you text more than talk? Do you fight over text message?

Even though texting is a relatively recent craze in terms of relationship communication, there are already a plethora of opinions on the big question: Is texting healthy in relationships?

We will start with “no.”

About.com has just about everything about just about everything including a section on dating and relationships. Their article, “The Do’s and Don’ts of Texting in Relationships,” doesn’t necessarily argue the negative side but it offers a dense set of rules to follow. First in the list is don’t guess:

“ If a message is cryptic or vague, wait until you’re face to face with the sender to ask what the heck they were talking about.”

Also, they advise couples not to argue over text message either:

“Sure, you can express general frustration with a ‘Grrrr…’ or a ‘Humph’ or a ‘Ugh,’ but pick up the phone to hash things out. Attempt to resolve a volatile situation in 25-character bursts and you’ll create a hot mess that will be hell to clean up.”

Helen Richardson of helium.com says that texting in relationships is a minefield. “When it comes to texting, many people try to cram as much meaning into as few words as possible, like a telegram. This leads to much confusion.” In her article, she says that her and her husband of fifteen years still argue over the meaning of their e-mails and text messages.

photo by me and the sysop

I realize I have been unfair to the opposite sex in that most of my interviews, surveys, and polls feature mostly women. So, in the interest of fairness: askmen.com. Their relationship rules article about text messaging emphasize the importance of not texting about anything big issue i.e. fears, anger, uncertainties about the relationship.  Also, another what seems to be strangely sensitive area talked about in the article: never breaking up with someone via text.

And now in support of texting in relationships.

From the do’s section of about.com‘s article, recommends to texts very brief messages or sweet nothings to your significant other during the day as a way to stay in contact without being overbearing. “A short text like ‘Hey, qt,’ or ‘Hope ur havin a gr8 day,’  can make your significant other suddenly happier to see you when you get home.” According to the article, 52% of people they surveyed about texting messaging say that they would rather receive a “thinking of you” text messages more than any other kind.

I asked a close friend, Jessica, how she feels about dating in a long distance relationship (her boyfriend lives in Colorado) and she is fully in support of texting to communicate during the day. She says it makes their relationship feel more normal now that they live so far apart.

“I used to share the insignificant details of my life with Brad. If something stupid happened, I would tell him. Right then and there. I can still do that through texting and it makes the distance easier. When someone cuts me off in traffic or I watch a bad movie, Brad is gonna hear about it”

Take home lessons: when texting a lover, keep it short, keep it sweet. Save the big conversations for face-to-face.

“It’s me or the dog!”

Here is a hypothetical situation: you start dating someone and they are perfect in every way. They make you laugh, take you on awesome dates, share your interests and happen to look like a model. There is only one problem though, your dog hates them. Now, I have seen these types of scenarios on television, but I have always wondered how serious they could actually become. For example, what if your significant other decides to move in with you and the dog makes their life a living hell. He follows them around growling, ruins their belongings and gets jealous whenever you and your partner are cuddling or standing too close together, by their standards.

When it comes down to it, one would think a human being would be more important to someone than an animal. A quick survey shows this is not necessarily true.

               I’m not sure I could ever date someone who didn’t get along with my dog Bullwinkle. He’s in love with my boyfriend though, so I think I’m in a good place.

“I think dating someone with similar interests is important and I am a big animal person. If my dog hated the girl, it would mean either she is incredibley bad with animals or didn’t deem it necessary to put forward the effort to become friends with my dog, which is technically my friend.”- A.C.

“A dog has never made me cry. I’d pick the dog.”- L.M.

“If my dog didn’t like who I was dating I would take that as a sign that they aren’t a good person. Animals are an excellent judge of character. If I had the dog longer, I wouldn’t give him a way just because I started dating someone new.”- M.F.

After receiving this feedback I realized that it is important for lots of people to date someone who not only is compatible with them, but also with their dog. Who would have thought? An alternate trend also seems to be people preferring a partner who is a dog person like they are. This makes complete sense to me. It is one thing to date someone who prefers cats over dogs, but if they literally can’t stand dogs at all, a red light definitely goes off.

Although it is highly unlikely that your dog will actually “hate” your significant other, it is important to make sure that the feelings between the two of them are not just temporary. If you really care for both human and canine, there are ways to ease the two onto one another. Introduce them in a neutral setting and show the dog that this person is somebody who you like and who is nice. If this means making your partner feed the dog treat after treat, then so be it. Eventually, if Fido still can not be around your partner without biting their ankles, maybe it is time to move on. Then again, you may have a differing opinion then the ones mentioned above and chose to get rid of the dog. I hope that is never the case. What kind of responsible pet owner would that make you?

The Single Life

I am friends with a girl named Monica who is 20, goes to UT and has never, ever had a boyfriend. What’s weird about that? Nothing at all. There are plenty of people who have never had a significant other. What’s weird about this situation however, is that Monica is one of the most intelligent, interesting, humorous and genuinely attractive girls I have ever met. I was always curious why she never had a boyfriend or why those guys who always seemed really interested in her, never took it to the next level and asked her out.

If, at this point, you are assuming there is something wrong with her hidden from public eye, you are completely wrong. After talking to Monica I found out being single isn’t an unfortunate fate but rather a lifestyle that a person chooses. Monica admits that there are certainly times when a boyfriend would come in handy, but other than that she is one of the few people I know who was willing to openly discuss her singleness and even advocate her status. She answered a few questions for me concerning this topic, and I thought what she had to say was surprisingly insightful.

LA: Do you want a boyfriend?

M: In some ways, yes. The appeal of having a boyfriend would be always having someone to have sex with. Besides that though, I would say during moments of real excitement or times that I am extremely proud of something, I would like to have someone there to share it all with. On the other hand though, I don’t want a boyfriend because I don’t want to have to answer to someone. I am a very impulsive person who likes to think for them self, not someone else.

Monica holding her pet pig, Ziggy.

LA: Do you enjoy not having a boyfriend?

M: I like not having to worry about anyone else’s happiness but my own. At this time in my life, there are way too many decisions to be made that should not concern pleasing someone else.

LA: Do you think you may push people away, or rather that people are scared to get too close to you?

M: I definitely start to feel suffocated when things get too serious with someone. I think since I’ve never had someone commit to just me, the thought scares me because I do not necessarily trust it. In terms of pushing people away, I think what I do is portray myself as anything but perfect. I throw my flaws in their faces at the beginning so I don’t have to deal with any type of heartbreak associated with those flaws later on. I mean, if they stick with me after that then they are worth it. When it comes to people being scared to get too close, I don’t particularly think about it on my own, but people do tell me that I have a very strong, feminine presence. I really have no shame and I love the expression, “don’t be sorry.” I never am. People are used to more submissive partners I feel, and that just isn’t me.

LA: What would you tell someone in your same situation, but who may feel insecure because of it?

M: I would tell them, you are not defined by the people you have or have not dated. If you haven’t learned to love yourself, including the part where you’ve never had a boyfriend or girlfriend, maybe you are not ready to be in a relationship in the first place. There is nothing shameful at all in not having a partner. As long as you have a good support system, like family and friends, and you do things that make you happy, it should not matter what form love comes in. The longest relationship you have is with yourself.

LA: Who would your perfect boyfriend be?

M: My perfect boyfriend would be a best friend who I was comfortable being intimate with. We would mature together, both sexually and supportively; there would be not restraints from him. When I do find the perfect person, I have no doubt that I will be fiercely loyal and committed to them. Even if it takes a sacrifice of my freedom, the maturity that would hopefully occur with that other human being would be worth it.

Monica also made it clear that she is neither upset or overjoyed by her relationship status. It is something that has happened and she has embraced the state that her life is at during this time. If you feel insecure about not making a commitment to someone, or vice versa, I feel this interview may change your feelings, even if in the slightest way.

Too Many Keys…

Google has the answer for everything. If you’re lost, Google directions. If you get a flat tire, Google instructions or better yet, Google a towing company. If you need to a March Madness bracket, Google it.  If you have relationship problems….Google it?

Out of curiosity, I Googled “keys to a successful relationship” and got an abundance of answers from many different sources. That is Google’s M.O. Many different answers from many different places. Not THE answer from the most reliable source.  So in the interest of good information, I will attempt to be the anti-Google for the question: “What are the keys to a successful relationship?”

Also, I asked 25 people what they think the top five keys to a successful relationship are and I will share the results with you.

photo by Carlo Nicora

One of the most popular answers of the 12 or so articles I read from my Google search is communication. Datingtrek.com is a collection of articles on advice about dating with everything from online dating to turnoffs and turnons. In their obligatory list of top five keys to a successful relationship says this about communication:

“When people have things on their mind and let them go without discussing it, it usually manifests itself elsewhere.  For example if something your partner said hurt your feelings and you don’t talk about it, you might find yourself getting annoyed at everything they do.”

One of my personal favorite keys to success, is humor. Many of the lists I have seen, emphasize the importance of laughter and simply enjoying one another’s company. In their list, relationship specialists Bob and Barbara Handelman, have this to same about the importance of humor in a relationship:

“ Life is too important to be taken seriously”. Relationships are in trouble when partners can no longer see the humor in a situation. To stay together, we must remember how to play together.”

A new favorite blog of mine, lifehacker.com, in their top ten list emphasize the importance of being appreciative of your partner. More thank saying please and thanking your partner for the thing they do in the relationship, lifehacker says that letting your partner know what you admire about them can help the relationship flourish.

“Building a romantic relationship isn’t jsut about the initial bonding – it’s about encouraging and supporting each other’s growth over the course of your lives. Help your partner achieve his or her potential by constantly building them up.”

photo by Philippe Leroyer

Although there isn’t time enough to share all of the results of my search for keys, I would like to share a few more that were popular answers:

Making alone time a priority was a very common answer. Also, honesty was premiered on some of the list but there was some discrepancy about what exactly honesty means i.e. several of the lists say that white lies are acceptable and some don’t. Finally, affection was on most of the lists.

The survey results we’re not too different from the answers found online…hmmm….makes me think that many people out there are fans of Google-ing all of life’s little problems.

The top five answers from my survey are:

1. Compatibility

2. Communication

3. Sexual Attraction

4. Honor

5. Honesty/Dependability

Not too surprising…maybe we are all on to something…What do you think? Comment!

Love is Blind

..or so they say. Reports show that attitudes toward interracial relationships are becoming more accepting of the concept, especially on college campuses.

Even as recent as 1967, there used to be state laws in place that banned interracial marriage until the Supreme Court ruled in Loving vs. Virgina in 1967 that banned interracial marriage in Virgina was unconstitutional. However, a Gallup poll conducted in 1965 showed that 42% of whites in the North wanted a ban on interracial marriage as well as a staggering 72% in the South.

Things have obviously changed as even interracial marriages between African-Americans and whites have grown from 65,000 marriages in 1970 and over 422,000 marriages in 2005.

In an article on LovetoKnow.com, some very in-depth statistics were given regarding relationships between certain ethnic groups.
African-American and White relationships

The chances of there being an African-American husband and white wife is 2.65 times than the reverse. This accounts for 73% of all relationships between these two ethnic groups.

Asian and White relationships

You find the exact reverse than the previous group here. The husband is 3.08 times more likely to be white with an Asian wife.

Hispanic relationships

Both Hispanic men and women marry somebody else non-Hispanic at about the same rate. About 18% of Hispanic women are married to somebody else of a different race compared to 15% of Hispanic men marrying a non-Hispanic woman.

Statistics show a growing trend and progress towards the “Melting Pot” concept as more and more interracial relationships are becoming socially acceptable. I interviewed a few of my friends who are dating interracially.

(At the request of anonymity, the following names have been changed.)

George and Alice have been dating for 2 years. George is your typical Caucasian male, 6′ 4″ and grown up in the suburbs of Houston in a very American household. Alice is Korean, 5′ 3″, and raised in a traditional Korean household. They are from two different worlds yet they have found an attraction to each other.

“I don’t like Korean guys. It’s just different. I dated a few Korean guys before but they are what I call “s-men”, small men. They have no balls. I like my guys to have some backbone and it doesn’t help that I just don’t like the Korean culture. I prefer guys who are very American-ized.” ~ “Alice”

Another interracial couple, Derick (Chinese) and Tiffany (Korean), are very happy with each other but have found friction from Tiffany’s parents because Derick is not Korean.

“In my high school, the majority of Asians were Korean so I hung out with them more. Korean people tend to hang out with other Koreans so I pretty much was surrounded by Korean girls.” said Derick. “I don’t really know any Koreans girls because of that and even though it’s not a HUGE factor, my mom actually prefers Korean girls.”

Situations such as Derick and Tiffany’s is quite common, especially in Asian cultures because Asians pride themselves on being a very homogeneous ethnic group. Asian parents are generally pretty discriminating when it comes to who their children marry. These older adults are usually against any interracial relationships, although many are slowly becoming more open to the idea after living in America for a period of time.

420 Friendly?

420, Mary Jane, ganja, reefer, weed, whatever you want to call it–marijuana seems to be more and more acceptable.

Especially in a college-oriented and a generally hippie-loving city like Austin.

Chances are, living in our beloved ATX, you’ve been friends with a social smoker or a full time stoner.

Having friends with the habit is one thing. But what are the effects of marijuana on your romantic relationship?

Like any other controversial habit to have, smoking pot can be an irrelevant life choice or a severe problem. There’s not really any room for compromise when it comes to the green.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/figgenhoffer/ / CC BY 2.0

I know a couple, Adam and Maria (names changed for obvious reason). They have been dating for about a year, and Maria is a pretty regular smoker. Adam has asthma. You’d think this would be a HUGE conflict of interest, but surprisingly it isn’t.

Maria was up front with Adam about her smoking, and doesn’t usually do it in front of him because of his asthma. Adam doesn’t care one way or the other, so long as it doesn’t effect their relationship adversely.

But each relationship is different. Here are some tips to just take under consideration before embarking on a relationship you’re not entirely sure about.

5 Things to Know About Your Smoker–

• Unless it is a phase, he/she will most likely always be okay with marijuana use/marijuana legalization.
• Depending on how frequently he/she smokes, you may feel like they are distant, as usage can lead to withdrawal from social situations.
• If you haven’t smoked before, you may be shocked at how comfortable your partner feels smoking pot anywhere/everywhere. Prepare yourself just in case.
• Although more and more people seem to be OK with smoking pot, don’t forget that it is still an ILLEGAL habit. Being caught with them while smoking can get you both in a lot of trouble that isn’t even worth wrecking your record for. A lover is temporary, but a record is forever.
• If your partner is a heavy pot smoker, the effects can be completely harmless or range to a full blown habit that takes up the majority of their time. If they spend more time with a joint than with you, it’s time to hit the road.

5 Things to Ask Your Smoker–

• How often do you smoke? The frequency will determine how comfortable you are with it.
• Where do you smoke? If they smoke in a public place that you don’t feel cool with, let them know/avoid that place.
• Do they sell or grow it? That’s an entirely different game if either of those things are involved. Then you have to consider whether or not you should even be in a relationship with a dealer.
• Is this just a college/temporary thing? Or is it a lifetime thing?
• Will they pressure you to smoke, if you don’t? This is a huge deal.

There is no definite answer on whether you should or shouldn’t date a social smoker/stoner. It ultimately comes down to your values and the debate surrounding the legality of pot is still going strong so everyone is still making their decision.

How do you feel about pot and relationships? Does it even matter?

The Love Doctor

I am currently enrolled in a Human Sexuality class at UT Austin. It is essentially a large lecture hall full of seniors giggling at sexual innuendos and has proven to be the most amusing and intriguing course I’ve taken in college.

Led by Lawrence Brownstein, the class explores everything from human anatomy to basic sex ed questions.

Not only is he a professor at UT, he counsels couples in Austin on this very topic.

Brownstein offers up free advice to anyone who asks and some of this advice has included his 5 tips for better sex/relationships. Here they are–

5 Tips for a Healthier Sex Life/Relationship:

1. Love/sex is a gift, not something you owe someone or they owe you.
2. Your orgasm is your privilege to have or not have, generated mostly by your mind plus some appropriate friction. If someone assists you in this friction, think of it as a gift not an owing.
3. It is a sign of maturity to find out either verbally or nonverbally what your partner likes sexually.
4. No one else can know as well as you what your body/mind likes and doesn’t like. it is a gift to let your partner know what you like in a kind way.
5. Just because you can be interested in sex without love and because you can love without being interested in sex–this doesn’t mean that for both men and women you can’t be interested in both simultaneously.

These tips are highly valuable, and after you read them, they almost seem like common sense. Managing your sex life and emotional relationships require the same basic skills set.

From Professor Brownstein we can see that communication is invaluable in any relationship.

It is extremely important to be clear in any relationship you are interested in maintaining to have the lines of communication open. Without this, the successfulness of the relationship can go downhill very quickly.

Take one couple here in Austin–Clara and Thomas.

They are both UT students are are struggling to make their relationship work despite busy schedules and demanding social lives.

Clara complains that Thomas doesn’t spend enough time with her. Thomas claims that Clara doesn’t tell him what she wants, in bed and in the everyday relationship.

I challenged Clara and Thomas to read and digest Professor Brownstein’s advice, and here’s what they had to say–

• Clara–”Reading through this list is like reading my mind. I know the things that Thomas and I need to discuss, and I know the things I want to discuss with him. Even though we’re both adults, it is difficult to keep the lines of communication open. This list tells me what I want to have in my relationship, I just never knew how to articulate it.”
• Thomas–”This is such a great set of guidelines to mark a relationship by. If you can’t communicate, then there’s not point to the relationship.”

As mentioned, I’ve asked Clara and Thomas to take these tips under consideration and see how everything works out.

They have agreed to work on their relationship starting with this list, and they have also agreed to report back to us here at Love, Austin about their experience. We’ll keep you posted.

And don’t forget to try out these tips for yourself!

Age Differences in Relationships

A good friend informed me about an interesting math equation the other day. Apparently the appropriate age difference between people in romantic relationships can be found with simple math.  

Half of your age plus seven.  

So, for example, someone 22-years-old can date someone 18-years-old but no younger. A 35-year-old can date someone 24-and-a-half but no younger. How interesting… 

There has been an abundance of media attention on the subject of peculiar age differences in romantic relationships. There have been plenty of celebrity examples, Anna Nicole Smith was 26 when she married billionaire oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall (pictured below). Paul McCartney is 25 years older than his former wife Heather Mills. Jack Nicholson is 33 years older than is former wife Lara Flynn Boyle. There is a very interesting list of celebrity age differences. 

  

There are both advantages and disadvantages to dating someone considerably older or younger than oneself. According to an article by Rodrigo Rehn, relationship expert, there isn’t much to consider when dating someone only 2 years older than oneself but around the 5 year age difference, there are some differences in ideals. 

“Dating someone who is older than you may give you what you are looking for in the way that they approach life and what they are looking for in a relationship. What you may not expect is that your energy levels are different and your idea of entertainment may be different as well.” 

From my small amount of research, what I can tell is that age difference between men and women in relationships seems to more frequently be a young woman/older man situation. However, there are many instances of older woman (so called ‘cougars’)/young man. Actress Courteney Cox Arquette has a primetime sitcom about the issues with dating a person with a significant age difference called ”Cougar Town.” 

Here is an interesting chart showing how older men tend to engage in relationships with signficant age differences:  

Mean age differences between brides and grooms by age groups of brides and grooms

  

 Most articles on the subject emphasize the importance of establishing if goals, maturity level, and personal outlooks align with your partner. Check out this article from realsexfacts.com that argues that age doesn’t matter as long as these important facets are similar for both partners. 

What do you think? Where do you draw the age line in romantic relationships? Comment!

It’s Just Lunch!

Let’s face it; the dating scene can be tough. Online dating, blind dates, speed dating or God forbid, searching through the craigslist personals section, can not only be intimidating but also not at all what you are looking to get yourself into. Once you graduate college, the opportunities to meet “normal” people in your age group tend to slim down.

Eager to suggest places for you Austin singles to head out and meet people in your age group, with similar interests and education, I came to a screeching halt. I honestly searched and searched and only found cheesy meet-up sites and sketchy looking online dating sites. Now I know there are plenty of fun, hip places around the capital to go and enjoy music, dancing, art and food but how exactly do you find a person to go with in the first place? Do you sign up for e-harmony and hope for the best, or take a risk on someone a friend says you will “get along great with?” Before you run into anything, I suggest you take a look at a website called It’s Just Lunch!

I used to baby-sit for a younger woman who was a single mom, about 26, and she told me she used this site and loved it. It’s Just Lunch is a site devoted to matching up singles in Austin to have either a lunch date or to grab a drink after work. The theory behind it is to eliminate the bar scene or other typical places that singles are pressured to meet up at. The majority of the people who sign up are in some type of profession and want their personal information thoughtfully analyzed and matched with someone who is not totally random and completely different than them. Just because you “love the outdoors” and are “a risk taker” does not mean you really have anything in common.

The woman I know, who did not want to give her name for this blog, did tell me that the dates were a lot more laid back and the atmosphere was not intimidating at all. She is also signed up for several online dating sites and says the people she was matched with through this site were completely different.

It’s Just Lunch seems like a reliable, professional site that may be worth a shot. They plan everything like where to meet and when to meet. All you have to do is sign up, answer a few questions and then the dating coordinators will contact you by phone to get any additional information they may need to help set you up with the most compatible person.

If you want to know more about the program, just check out their website. It talks a little bit about their mission statement, their success stories and walks you through the process in case you are still a little confused. If you are single and ready to take a risk (but not too much of a risk) then search for It’s Just Lunch!

“My best date was…”

While sifting through old post from me and the Love, Austin team, I started to notice a strange emphasis on negativity (especially with my posts!) Jealously, cheating,  lies and online dating, oh my! I thought that my next post should be dedicated to the best dating experiences out there. I interviewed some ladies about their best dates and picked some of my favorites to share with everyone. Take notes and enjoy!

Jennifer Brown, Texas State grad-student, told me about a “first” date she went on in 2008 with a guy from her bus route…

“I used to ride the same bus to school early, early in the morning for my first class and there was another, very cute, guy who would ride the same time as me. We did a lot of ‘eye contact and then look away’ on our 15 minute bus rides to school. Finally, he came over and introduced himself and we started talking. After that we would ride the bus together everyday. It was fun but I started to wonder if we were actually going to go on a real date. I mean, he was into me right? One morning, he finally asked me on a date and, of course, I said yes. He said, ’okay, I’ll see you tomorrow morning.’ I was so confused! Hadn’t he just asked me out? The next morning he had coffee and food for two and we had breakfast together. He laid out a ‘blanket’ and everything! It was so cute!”

photo by Lara604

Brittany Dean, ACC student and waitress, had a great one-year anniversary date with her future fiance…

“My boyfriend, for our one-year anniversary, took me on a date of all of my favorites. He started with my favorite flowers and candy when he picked me up from my apartment. He took me to my favorite restaurant, where we ate all my favorite foods and my favorite wine. I love swimming but it was the middle of winter, unfortunately, so my boyfriend found a hotel with a heated pool and we went swimming after dinner. We finished off the date with my favorite movie, which I know he hates! I loved it.”

There are some other great dates that I was told about that I hope to post in the future. Please, tell me about your favorite date. Comment!