Age Differences in Relationships

A good friend informed me about an interesting math equation the other day. Apparently the appropriate age difference between people in romantic relationships can be found with simple math.  

Half of your age plus seven.  

So, for example, someone 22-years-old can date someone 18-years-old but no younger. A 35-year-old can date someone 24-and-a-half but no younger. How interesting… 

There has been an abundance of media attention on the subject of peculiar age differences in romantic relationships. There have been plenty of celebrity examples, Anna Nicole Smith was 26 when she married billionaire oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall (pictured below). Paul McCartney is 25 years older than his former wife Heather Mills. Jack Nicholson is 33 years older than is former wife Lara Flynn Boyle. There is a very interesting list of celebrity age differences. 

  

There are both advantages and disadvantages to dating someone considerably older or younger than oneself. According to an article by Rodrigo Rehn, relationship expert, there isn’t much to consider when dating someone only 2 years older than oneself but around the 5 year age difference, there are some differences in ideals. 

“Dating someone who is older than you may give you what you are looking for in the way that they approach life and what they are looking for in a relationship. What you may not expect is that your energy levels are different and your idea of entertainment may be different as well.” 

From my small amount of research, what I can tell is that age difference between men and women in relationships seems to more frequently be a young woman/older man situation. However, there are many instances of older woman (so called ‘cougars’)/young man. Actress Courteney Cox Arquette has a primetime sitcom about the issues with dating a person with a significant age difference called ”Cougar Town.” 

Here is an interesting chart showing how older men tend to engage in relationships with signficant age differences:  

Mean age differences between brides and grooms by age groups of brides and grooms

  

 Most articles on the subject emphasize the importance of establishing if goals, maturity level, and personal outlooks align with your partner. Check out this article from realsexfacts.com that argues that age doesn’t matter as long as these important facets are similar for both partners. 

What do you think? Where do you draw the age line in romantic relationships? Comment!

Lies and Online Dating

I was catching up with a friend the other day on the phone and she mentioned that she has been in a relationship with a new man for about 3 months now. “Wellll…I just so happen to write a relationship blog; why don’t you tell me alllll about it.” I was completely shocked when she told me she met him over match.com! My friend April, is young, funny, attractive, and outgoing. I didn’t understand why she would use an online dating site. 

Well, apparently it’s been wildly successful for April. So I asked her what were some of her biggest reservations about using an online dating site. 

“Lying.” 

Really? I tend to think that people are just as likely to lie to your face as they are to falsify information on a dating profile. Or are they? I found a significant amount of research on the subject and I think sharing some findings might help your success with online dating in the future. 

 

First, evolutionary psychologists have found that women and men lie significantly on their online dating profiles about different things. Women are more likely to lie about physical characteristics such as height and weight. Men are more likely to inflate their status i.e. education, income, and overall success. Some EP’s say that this is related to men as the hunter/gathers and women as conduits of procreation from ancient times. 

Posting inaccurate profile pictures is another form of online dating deception that has been widely studied. According to research, women, on average, post profile pictures around 13 months old. Men, on average, post pictures around 7 months old. 

Photo by Ed Yourdon

So, how do you spot a liar? Although there is no fool-proof strategy for catching a liar (I mean, people still lie in person!) studies have shown that people use the first person singular LESS when lying. They are LESS likely to use the words “I” and “me” when they are lying because they are subconsciously trying to distance themselves from their lies. 

Good online dating tip: better safe than sorry! People have had a wide range of experiences with online dating. Nicole Roberge wrote an article about her horrifying online dating experience where a her date printed her profile information and used it to lie to her about his likes and dislikes.  

What have been your experiences with online dating? Comment!

Dealbreakers

For any of our readers who are familiar with the TV show 30 Rock on NBC, the word “dealbreaker” is not entirely unfamiliar to you.

The truth is, even if you don’t watch 30 Rock, you probably still know what a dealbreaker is.

A “dealbreaker” can mean many things, but is primarily a negative physical or emotional trait that can completely change your outlook on your significant other or potential mate.

The concept of a dealbreaker is completely subjective, so the fact that I could never enjoy being with someone who listens to smooth jazz regularly could be a turn on for the next person.

Each person can deal with different things and at the end of the day, and if you can make it past the superficial dealbreakers, your relationship may grow to be even better than you imagined.

But before we get ahead to making a relationship work past an unattractive feature, let’s take a look at some of the responses I got via survey (initials used to protect identity).

Physical Dealbreakers

“Popped collars. Dealbreaker.”- JT, single female, 21

“Crocs!” – JN, male in three year relationship, 20

“Bad teeth, man boobs, sandals with socks and gross finger nails are unacceptable.”- MG, single, 30

“Disgusting feet, hairy back, or if they tweeze their eyebrows. They can’t be prettier than I am!” - BV, female in two month relationship, 27

“When they completely look like something else without make up…”- CT, single male, 32

Physical dealbreakers can encompass anything from natural traits to style choices. We all judge people unconsciously (sometimes very openly) and either accept or dismiss them as a potential mate.

Imagine this–

You’re walking along South Congress shopping and eating pizza from Home Slice with your friends. It’s noon, you’re not really on the prowl so to speak, but you are looking at the good-looking folks around you.

Your gaze settles on a seemingly cute subject across the street. You make eye contact. They cross the street, and as they do, you see the horror. They have a __________ (fill in the blank with your personal physical dealbreaker).

You decided right there and then that they would be unsuitable as a mate. This seems harsh, but it is a reality. How many people do we walk by and not give a chance because we see something we don’t like on the outside?

Emotional Dealbreakers

“The inability to make me laugh.” – HH, female in 3 year relationship, 19

“Having completely different opinions and values on what relationships are/are supposed to be.”- CV, single female, 20

“Prioritizing video games over me. True story.”- MT, female in relationship, 22

“When she starts following your every move to see if you’re cheating on her, when you’re clearly not.”- CT, single male, 32

“I think a lack of honesty, lack of trust, and lack of acceptance really do a lot to break the deal. not to mention doing nice things for the wrong reasons. Be real people!”- BB, single male, 21

“Being too paranoid or not caring enough–needs to be a balance.”- AM, single female, 20

First of all, I feel MT’s pain when she talks about video games. But really, it’s not because I dislike video games. It’s because I don’t agree that my partner should put them before me. It’s about priorities.

Emotional dealbreakers can be much more painful and difficult to avoid beforehand than their physical counterparts. How am I supposed to know if the dude I’m “talking” to is actually a serial cheater? The fact is, I wouldn’t find out until I was in a relationship with him already.

Furthermore, with these emotional traits or bad relationship habits, they can be even harder to change or break.

Unlike a trivial physical annoyance, these are important filters to stand by. If you say you will end a relationship because your partner cheats, by all means stick to it.

These emotional/relationship standards are important!

________________________

Dealbreakers are our own filters that we’ve implemented to maximize time and efficiency in our love lives.

While we can employ these screening methods to weed out the “undesirables,” it is also important to realize that many of our rules may prevent us from meeting someone truly great.

Take some time to analyze yours and let us know how set in stone they are.

Lean and in Love

Love makes you fat. Don’t believe me? According to research, people who are married, or are in serious relationships, tend to pack on the pounds over time. I’m not talking morbid obesity, but a few pounds here or there. This means a couple pounds for men, and unfortunately a few more for women. The reason is a switch to similar lifestyles as one another. You spend a lot of time together and this means a lot of opportunity to do things together. Unfortunately a lot of these things involve food. Not only that, they involve laying around together, whether it’s to watch movies or do homework You may not go out on the town as much. Also, maybe you aren’t as concerned anymore about what your physical appearance looks like. Who are you trying to impress? Your “baby” tells you everyday how sexy you look, so who needs the gym, right? I have someone who loves me for me right here and right now.

Feeding each other can be cute, but doing this five times a day is not.

photo cred: TeamSugar.com

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with gaining a few pounds, especially if you are love struck. I merely thought couples would like some suggestions for being in love but staying lean. Not to impress anybody else, but to make you feel good about yourself and maybe even to give you and your spouse something new and fun to do together. Here are just a few suggestions of activities the two of you can do together while staying fit.

• Bikram Yoga. Sound too girly for you, men? Well it’s not! Bikram Yoga is one of the most difficult forms of yoga out there and is practiced in rooms usually set to a temperature of 105 degrees or even outside in the sun. It is becoming more and more popularized, especially in Austin, and would definitely be a challenge for both of you. Make a competition out of it, whoever gives up first has to give the other person a back massage or do the dishes for a week. If you go and find out it is something you both enjoy, you can sign up for classes or just browse around to find free trial classes until you’re ready for a different challenge.
• Run Town Lake. Austin has beautiful trails and paths all around Town Lake. Running is an excellent way to get exercise, even if you are a beginner. You can alternate walking and running if you want. Bring your dog, bring your iPod and bring a picnic if you want. If you make it around the trails once or twice, then treat yourself to a lake-side meal, you deserve it! With spring approaching, a long run could even end in a dip in the lake if it gets too hot. There are many sites to visit about popular trails around the lake and other various places to take a jog in Austin. Check them out.
• Go dancing. Most guys don’t like to dance. What this really means is they can’t dance. Instead of blaming them, why don’t you help them learn. Dancing lessons of all kinds are offered all around Austin. Flamenco, Country or Salsa. You choose. Or better yet, let him choose. Not only will you be learning to trust one another more and get in sync with each other’s bodies, you are burning calories and ultimately having fun. Even if it turns out to be a disaster, it is something you can look back and laugh at. Once you know how, you can go out to the clubs again and show off your skills!