Age Differences in Relationships

A good friend informed me about an interesting math equation the other day. Apparently the appropriate age difference between people in romantic relationships can be found with simple math.  

Half of your age plus seven.  

So, for example, someone 22-years-old can date someone 18-years-old but no younger. A 35-year-old can date someone 24-and-a-half but no younger. How interesting… 

There has been an abundance of media attention on the subject of peculiar age differences in romantic relationships. There have been plenty of celebrity examples, Anna Nicole Smith was 26 when she married billionaire oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall (pictured below). Paul McCartney is 25 years older than his former wife Heather Mills. Jack Nicholson is 33 years older than is former wife Lara Flynn Boyle. There is a very interesting list of celebrity age differences. 

  

There are both advantages and disadvantages to dating someone considerably older or younger than oneself. According to an article by Rodrigo Rehn, relationship expert, there isn’t much to consider when dating someone only 2 years older than oneself but around the 5 year age difference, there are some differences in ideals. 

“Dating someone who is older than you may give you what you are looking for in the way that they approach life and what they are looking for in a relationship. What you may not expect is that your energy levels are different and your idea of entertainment may be different as well.” 

From my small amount of research, what I can tell is that age difference between men and women in relationships seems to more frequently be a young woman/older man situation. However, there are many instances of older woman (so called ‘cougars’)/young man. Actress Courteney Cox Arquette has a primetime sitcom about the issues with dating a person with a significant age difference called ”Cougar Town.” 

Here is an interesting chart showing how older men tend to engage in relationships with signficant age differences:  

Mean age differences between brides and grooms by age groups of brides and grooms

  

 Most articles on the subject emphasize the importance of establishing if goals, maturity level, and personal outlooks align with your partner. Check out this article from realsexfacts.com that argues that age doesn’t matter as long as these important facets are similar for both partners. 

What do you think? Where do you draw the age line in romantic relationships? Comment!

Lies and Online Dating

I was catching up with a friend the other day on the phone and she mentioned that she has been in a relationship with a new man for about 3 months now. “Wellll…I just so happen to write a relationship blog; why don’t you tell me alllll about it.” I was completely shocked when she told me she met him over match.com! My friend April, is young, funny, attractive, and outgoing. I didn’t understand why she would use an online dating site. 

Well, apparently it’s been wildly successful for April. So I asked her what were some of her biggest reservations about using an online dating site. 

“Lying.” 

Really? I tend to think that people are just as likely to lie to your face as they are to falsify information on a dating profile. Or are they? I found a significant amount of research on the subject and I think sharing some findings might help your success with online dating in the future. 

 

First, evolutionary psychologists have found that women and men lie significantly on their online dating profiles about different things. Women are more likely to lie about physical characteristics such as height and weight. Men are more likely to inflate their status i.e. education, income, and overall success. Some EP’s say that this is related to men as the hunter/gathers and women as conduits of procreation from ancient times. 

Posting inaccurate profile pictures is another form of online dating deception that has been widely studied. According to research, women, on average, post profile pictures around 13 months old. Men, on average, post pictures around 7 months old. 

Photo by Ed Yourdon

So, how do you spot a liar? Although there is no fool-proof strategy for catching a liar (I mean, people still lie in person!) studies have shown that people use the first person singular LESS when lying. They are LESS likely to use the words “I” and “me” when they are lying because they are subconsciously trying to distance themselves from their lies. 

Good online dating tip: better safe than sorry! People have had a wide range of experiences with online dating. Nicole Roberge wrote an article about her horrifying online dating experience where a her date printed her profile information and used it to lie to her about his likes and dislikes.  

What have been your experiences with online dating? Comment!

Dealbreakers

For any of our readers who are familiar with the TV show 30 Rock on NBC, the word “dealbreaker” is not entirely unfamiliar to you.

The truth is, even if you don’t watch 30 Rock, you probably still know what a dealbreaker is.

A “dealbreaker” can mean many things, but is primarily a negative physical or emotional trait that can completely change your outlook on your significant other or potential mate.

The concept of a dealbreaker is completely subjective, so the fact that I could never enjoy being with someone who listens to smooth jazz regularly could be a turn on for the next person.

Each person can deal with different things and at the end of the day, and if you can make it past the superficial dealbreakers, your relationship may grow to be even better than you imagined.

But before we get ahead to making a relationship work past an unattractive feature, let’s take a look at some of the responses I got via survey (initials used to protect identity).

Physical Dealbreakers

“Popped collars. Dealbreaker.”- JT, single female, 21

“Crocs!” – JN, male in three year relationship, 20

“Bad teeth, man boobs, sandals with socks and gross finger nails are unacceptable.”- MG, single, 30

“Disgusting feet, hairy back, or if they tweeze their eyebrows. They can’t be prettier than I am!” - BV, female in two month relationship, 27

“When they completely look like something else without make up…”- CT, single male, 32

Physical dealbreakers can encompass anything from natural traits to style choices. We all judge people unconsciously (sometimes very openly) and either accept or dismiss them as a potential mate.

Imagine this–

You’re walking along South Congress shopping and eating pizza from Home Slice with your friends. It’s noon, you’re not really on the prowl so to speak, but you are looking at the good-looking folks around you.

Your gaze settles on a seemingly cute subject across the street. You make eye contact. They cross the street, and as they do, you see the horror. They have a __________ (fill in the blank with your personal physical dealbreaker).

You decided right there and then that they would be unsuitable as a mate. This seems harsh, but it is a reality. How many people do we walk by and not give a chance because we see something we don’t like on the outside?

Emotional Dealbreakers

“The inability to make me laugh.” – HH, female in 3 year relationship, 19

“Having completely different opinions and values on what relationships are/are supposed to be.”- CV, single female, 20

“Prioritizing video games over me. True story.”- MT, female in relationship, 22

“When she starts following your every move to see if you’re cheating on her, when you’re clearly not.”- CT, single male, 32

“I think a lack of honesty, lack of trust, and lack of acceptance really do a lot to break the deal. not to mention doing nice things for the wrong reasons. Be real people!”- BB, single male, 21

“Being too paranoid or not caring enough–needs to be a balance.”- AM, single female, 20

First of all, I feel MT’s pain when she talks about video games. But really, it’s not because I dislike video games. It’s because I don’t agree that my partner should put them before me. It’s about priorities.

Emotional dealbreakers can be much more painful and difficult to avoid beforehand than their physical counterparts. How am I supposed to know if the dude I’m “talking” to is actually a serial cheater? The fact is, I wouldn’t find out until I was in a relationship with him already.

Furthermore, with these emotional traits or bad relationship habits, they can be even harder to change or break.

Unlike a trivial physical annoyance, these are important filters to stand by. If you say you will end a relationship because your partner cheats, by all means stick to it.

These emotional/relationship standards are important!

________________________

Dealbreakers are our own filters that we’ve implemented to maximize time and efficiency in our love lives.

While we can employ these screening methods to weed out the “undesirables,” it is also important to realize that many of our rules may prevent us from meeting someone truly great.

Take some time to analyze yours and let us know how set in stone they are.

First Date: Do’s and Don’ts

A first date is always nerve racking. What do you wear? Where do you go? How much do you spend? All of these things seem circumstantial to me. It really depends on who you are and who you are going out with. What I do think is really important is the impression you make on your date. Even if the movie you saw stunk, or the food you got at the new restaurant downtown was cold, the least you can do is present yourself well. After reading numerous articles and being out on many dates myself, I’ve come up with a list of do’s and don’ts that you may just want to take into consideration when heading out on a first date.

(Not so sure the body language on this first date looks appropriate, but hey it looks like they are enjoying themselves! – photo cred: thesun.co.uk)

A few Do’s:

• Listen. On a first date many people feel the need to fill awkward silence. First dates also seem to be the time when you are trying hard to impress the person you are out with. Many people’s way of doing this is going on and on about all the great things about themselves or the awards they’ve won or that they met Snoop Dog on vacation. If you feel the urge to go on and on, step back for a minute. There should be equal time to talk for each person. Listening is very important. Actually listening. It not only shows you are interested and attentive on what the other person has to say, it gives you time to regroup your on thoughts before blurting out something that maybe should’ve been saved for when you know the person better.
• Compliment. Giving a compliment is like giving someone a free gift. It makes that person feel good and shows that  you are actually taking notice of them. Now if this feels forced, maybe it’s not a good idea. If you genuinely are impressed however, whether it be by something they told you about their life or what they are wearing, then let them know! I personally love to get compliments. It honestly never hurt anyone. Well, not that I know of anyways.
• Relax. Your date is just as nervous, if not more, than you are. This experience should be fun. Obviously a little anxiety and stress is involved, but that is normal so just let it go. Most people are worried so much about impressing the other person that theydig themselves into a hole. One they can’t get out of. Take a deep breath and be yourself. If you think your date is sitting back and judging you the entire time, how can you enjoy yourself? You can’t really. Verbalizing your nervousness may even be a good way to break the ice and give the other person an opportunity to agree with you or encourage you not to be.

A few Don’ts:

• Be Cocky. You may think the date is going well and you’re going to have this person in your bed by the end of the night. Wake up call…you could be totally wrong. Some people are over confident and get a little too relaxed towards the end of a first date. Remember one thing: this is a FIRST date. Sure there may be chemistry from the time you ordered your spaghetti to the goodbye on the doorstep, but if you want to leave a good impression you won’t make any sudden gestures that would display your over confidence. Aggressiveness can really be a turnoff. A polite way to show that you feel the date is going well is simply by saying it. I’m not saying physical contact is off limits, I’m merley suggesting how to handle the situation politely.
• Be Late. Maybe it’s just me, but I hate waiting on people. If you set a time to meet someone, you should stick to that time. It is rude to show up late. Five minutes or fifteen minutes, it doesn’t matter. Showing up late screams “I don’t care” to the person you are about to spend the evening (or day) with. If you lack enough courtesy to be on time at the beginning, what will the rest of the date be like? I can only imagine. And remember, if you’re early you’re on time. If you’re on time, you’re late. And if you’re late, you’re out of luck!
• Be Cheap. Don’t jump to conclusions. I don’t mean you have to take your date to a five star restaurant or a boat ride. No way! Going out for ice cream would be good enough for me. When I say don’t be cheap, I mean don’t be cheap. As much as it must suck, I generally think it is appropriate for a guy to pay for a lady on the first date. It’s polite. Now I’m also not saying the girls are getting away with something either. I always think it’s a good idea for a girl to at least offer to pay for her half of the meal or movie. It shows you aren’t expecting too much and that you want to be nice. Most likely the guy will say no way and pay for the whole thing, but at least ask if you can pitch in ladies! Don’t you feel a little bad?