Coming “Out”

After a brief review of the blog posts thus far, I noticed that the majority of our posts dealt with the questions of couples in heterosexual relationships. I don’t believe trails and tribulations of falling in and out of love are the same for heterosexual and homosexual couples hence, this blog post. I interviewed an acquaintance of mine who recently came out and has been dating a fellow student at Texas State.  

 What has been the biggest change in your life since coming out?  

I dated men all throughout high school and undergrad; I actually had several successful relationships before I came out. I was a serial “dater.” I would have very serious, long-term relationships and then I would end them and find another. I was never really happy though. The relationship/love/significant other side of me just was really underwhelmed with dating in general. I dated because it was expected. When I decided to come out, really when I realized that I was gay, I felt more at home with that side of myself like the “dating” me, the college me, the sister me, etc. didn’t all have to be different. I don’t compartmentalize my life as much anymore. That has been the biggest change I’ve noticed.      

Was it difficult to tell your friends and family?  

I’m not particularly close to my family. My being gay ”all-of-a-sudden” hardly stirred a ripple. The most difficult part was finding out who my friends really are. I come from a small town, lots of conservatives. Some people would rather jump ship that be friends with me now that I am not straight. At first I was hurt, insulted, mad, indignant, all of the above. It’s hard to learn who doesn’t love you for who you are but it’s great to know who does. I am a lot closer to some people in my life now.  I never got told that before. It would have been nice to know that coming out meant losing some friends. It was shocking at the time.  

How has dating changed?  

You mean besides the obvious? (laughs)  I find that everything can be described in terms of “more.”  There is more communication, more time spent together, more going out and doing things, more fun. Granted, these are just general observations about dating women, which I am new at.  I haven’t really gotten into a long-term relationship yet; I imagine it will be a very different experience.     

photo by SpoilMeWith

 Have your relationship goals changed?  

Slightly. I still imagine myself getting married. Just my ability to do so is the issue. I still want children. Whether I adopt or use AI is up for discussion. So, I guess my goals haven’t changed that much. I want to love someone enough to spend the rest of my life with them (See! I love monogamy!) and I want to raise children.  

What are some of the challenges you have faced thus far?  

I don’t like the stereotypes. Both in general and from people I know. There is all this baggage that comes with being a lesbian. People automatically think you are promiscuous, like all lesbians are the same. It’s annoying more than anything. I guess if that’s the worst of my problems then I am being a complainer. It just feels different. The world was a-okay with my heterosexual relationships but now I feel like people are judging me, I’ve lost some friends. I thought the transition would be simpler I guess.  

What advice would you give to those struggling with coming out? 

One of the things I found most helpful in the transition is the gay community. I didn’t have any gay friends to ask for help or support, but when I finally got the courage to tap into the community, everyone I met was so helpful and friendly. I would say to make a support community. Go out, meet people, ask questions, educate yourself. From what I have heard, it is not something you want to do alone.    

 My interviewee mentioned in the interview follow-up a website called bestout.com with a lot of helpful resources for people struggling with coming out.