The “Ex-Factor”

Nobody wants to hear about their partner’s ex. Well, at least I don’t. I have found that couples around my age and especially in high school tend to unknowingly share too many details about past relationships. This may be an attempt to evoke jealousy or this may be completely unintentional. Either way, I think it is unnecessary and rude, to be honest.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it just happens. Maybe you are telling a funny story that happened a couple years back and that person’s name slips in, who cares? Maybe you are comparing your new partner to your old one, but in a good way. For example: “I’m so glad you’re so trusting of me, my old boyfriend/girlfriend never let me go out.” I think this could actually be a good thing. What I do not see necessary however is to go on and on about that person’s personal traits, the great times you two had together or how [this song/restaurant/perfume] reminds you of that person.

I found an interesting article called “Why a guy in a new relationship talks about his ex girlfriend.” I think they make some good points that could hold true for both guys and girls. Like I said, perhaps people talk about their ex partners unintentionally, and you have to forgive them the first time (maybe two), but many have other reasons for doing so. Here is what the article says:

• The new relationship started too soon. If you start dating someone who has recently broken up with someone, or been broken up with, then there may still be feelings lingering. This may not be true for everyone, because if you were in a horrible relationship and now you are out, then “hurting” or “longing” for that old partner may not exist. The point is, just be careful!
• You are being inconsiderate. It’s not your fault, right? Wrong. If you invoke arguments or talk down on your new love’s past relationship, this sparks drama. The natural defensive mechanism may just be to throw that past relationship in your face to piss you off. The less of a chance you give him/her to settle into things or get on the same page, relationship wise, as you are then he/she is bound to make comparisons between you and the ex.
• Not in love with you. Now this seems a little harsh, and is where I disagree with the article. Talking about an ex can be accidental, just keep in mind how often it happens. Lots of mentions of that person’s name is definitely a problem though, I will admit that. The article makes a good point, usually in new and exciting relationships there is no time to even think about, much less verbalize, things from the past relationship.

I suggest if this is a concern of yours, even in the least bit, you read the rest of the article. Although it is no professional journal, it makes some excellent points that I have always felt to be true in this situation. Another problem concerning ex’s is keeping in contact with them. Can you ever actually be “friends” with an ex? If yes, then how does your new significant other feel about this. I think, as you mature, such subjects are easier to deal with. Jealousy seems to diminish with age for the most part. Trust and self esteem also have a lot to do with how couples handle having an ex in the situation, either verbally or physically (as in staying friends).

What do you think is appropriate when it comes to ex boyfriends and girlfriends? Do you get jealous, and if so then why?